‎[via email]

Blogger: What do I need to do to score an interview with [ARTIST] for my blog? Let me know.

Me: Well, for starters, please tell me who you are, your URL, anything about you and your blog. And then we can get started.

B: I don’t give away that info freely. Why do you need to know? All I want is to talk to [ARTIST].

M: Hmmm. Seems like we hit an impasse. If you won’t tell me who you are or what your blog is about, how can I set up the interview?

B: Fine, I’ll go directly to the artist. I don’t need this 20 Questions.

Artist [FWD’s email to me from same Blogger]: Hey Rey, here’s a request for you from a writer who wants an interview. Can you handle?

M [to Blogger]: So… erm… Guess who!

‎[via email]

Blogger: For our summer issue, we’re doing album reviews for bands and we’d like to do a review of [BAND]’s new album. Even though the release date has not been announced yet, do you think this is a possibility? Please let me know. Our issue will be released in August.

Me: Hey there. The album isn’t finished yet unfortunately. Thanks for your email.

B: Than [sic] send me the demos. We are serious.

M: Hi there, I appreciate your seriousness in this ‘matter’, but I can’t do that. Please wait closer to release date when we do our digital servicing.

B: Dear Mr. Roldan, I have a very good ear for music. I can offer my suggestions how they can make their songs better. Plus, as a lifelong fan of 16 years, I’m exactly the kind of person they need to be talking to. So please send me the demos right away.

M: Hi there. Thanks for your concern on the success of this album. I will let them know that you are very concerned and I’ll see what they say.

B: AwEsUM! I can’t wait 2 here [sic] the demos! Pleez give me there [sic] number so I can tExt them! We’re so exited [sic] Yay!

M: Can you put your mom back on email? She had better spelling.

Obviously Young Blogger: Hi, can I talk to Mr. Roldan, please?

Me: This is he.

OYB: I want to inquire about receiving a media credential pass for the rock and roll band [BAND] that would enable me to not only view the concert for review purposes but also use my photographic equipment to capture the band’s essence in a live setting for publishing on my well-read and trafficked editorial site on the world wide web that covers exciting and fresh bands of all genres in order to expand the band’s fanbase and show our readers the kind of excitement that the band generates in a live environment in a concise and intelligent critique that can be found at the following online location [URL]

M: Ok, take a breath… That was one long sentence. 

OYB: What I’m asking is…

M: [interrupting, laughing] I know… You’re asking for a ticket and a photopass.

OYB: Yes, for the editorial purpose of…

M: [interrupting] I know, I know… to review the show [laughing]. Put down the script and talk to me like a human and not a robot.

‎[via AIM] 

Writer [1:07 P.M.]: Hi buddy, can you send me a DL link of [BAND]?

Me [1:08 P.M.]: I did, 3 weeks ago when you first asked for it… and then again last week when you asked for it again. i’ll upload again, but this time, you better get it

W [1:08 P.M.]: didn’t get a chance to DL but i promise i will

M [1:08 P.M.]: I’ll upload it now… but get it right away so we don’t go through this rigmarole next week and you don’t give me the “oh it’s past deadline” bullcrap. ;-)

W [1:11 P.M.]: I will

M [1:28 P.M.]: did you DL it?

W [1:28 P.M.]: DL what?

M [1:30 P.M.]: Really? 

W [1:31 P.M.]: o right. will do right now

M [2:01 P.M.] just checked the file. you didn’t DL it

W [2:02 P.M.]: DL what? oh right

M [2:04 P.M.]: *sigh*

Most Ignorant Thing Heard Today via AIM So Far #4:

FRIEND [12:11 P.M.]: “do I call Tom Gabel ‘they’ until he starts looking like a ‘she’?”

‎[via AIM]

Friend [1:51 P.M.]: How do you pronounce joie de vivre?

Me [1:51 P.M.] : Zoo-wah deh veevuh

F [1:52 P.M.]: its not pronounced joy dee veever?

M [1:53 P.M.]: No, it’s French. They pronounce things weird.

F [1:55 P.M.]: why isn’t it pronounced joy dee veever?

F [1:55 P.M.]: would people look at me weird if I said it that way?

M [1:56 P.M.]: Ummm, why don’t you just say “I’m happy.” You know how to pronounce that, right? 

‎[via AIM]

Friend [12:04 P.M.] : so Scissor Sisters tonight, huh?

Me [12:05 P.M.]: Yep. Stoked.

F [12:05 P.M.]: why don’t you ever tell me when you get tix to good shows?

F [12:06 P.M.]: what do I need to do to get into your inner circle?

M [12:08 P.M.]: Ummm, maybe perhaps talk to me at times other than when you need something? *ZING*

Bar Patron: Hey, what are you drinking?

Me: Bud Light?

BP: Not even Stella or Blue Moon?

M: Who are you to judge with your neon orange v-neck and lack of a well-fitting bra?

BP: [flustered] Well…

M: Yeah, I win.

Bar back: Hey, haven’t seen you in a while.

Me: Yeah, well, I haven’t been here in a while.

BB: Yeah, last time you were here, you were a little… I dunno, not as trim?

M: Are you saying I was fat?

BB: Well, I don’t mean anything bad. Just that, you know…. [uncomfortable silence] Here are a few drink tickets.

M: And all of a sudden, the night just got that much better.

Corporate PR guy: Hi, Rey. I wanted to call about our joint press release.

Me: Cool. Did you get my draft?

CPR: I did, thanks! We love it over here, but it’s a bit, how do you say, casual for us.

M: Well, duh… It’s about music. [laughs]

CPR: I know, but we need to tone it down for our contacts.

M: Totally understood. So let’s talk about the change in verbiage.

CPR: Can we change “pop-punk rabble rousers” to “mainstream rockers”?

M: Actually, that makes them sound like Creed.

CPR: Oh, I love Creed! What are the doing now?

M: [pause] How about you guys draft the press release and I’ll make the appropriate changes in tone.

‎[staring at the Hudson River right outside of my loft] 

Neighbor: What are you looking at?

Me: The Intrepid is going to fly over the Hudson in a few minutes.

N: The Intrepid? Really?!

M: Yeah, I just found out about it. My friend told me the Intrepid was flying down the Hudson soon.

Another Neighbor: [whispers] Pssst. The Intrepid is the ship. The Space Shuttle is what’s flying over.

M: [turns to original neighbor] Sorry, not the Intrepid. I meant the S.S. Enterprise.

Writer: Hi, I’m calling about a band you handle, [BAND I DON’T HANDLE]. I want to set up an interview.

Me: Hey, sorry I don’t handle [BAND].

W: But it says you do on Facebook.

M: [checks BAND’s Facebook page] Well, whadduh y’know, it does.

W: So, can I talk to you about [BAND]?

M: You can, but I can’t help you with it because I don’t work with them.

W: But it says you do.

M: But I don’t… I don’t even know who [BAND] is. I never heard of them.

W: So why do they have you down as their manager?

M: I have no clue. I don’t manage bands anymore.

W: Did you manage them at one time?

M: I can assure you that if I managed them at one time, I would have heard of them.

W: So what are you saying? That you can’t help me hook up any interview with them at all?

M: Really?